After posting the entry prior to this one, I knew I had made a mistake. It was all me; not him. We both did our best to make it work, and he felt like he had taken a lot away from me just by being with him, due to his health. He often said I should maybe be single in order to not have any regrets. My only regret was letting him think he was right. We broke up the day of that post.
On April 12th, he passed away. It happened in front of my eyes in our home. I was actually not supposed to be there. Luckily I was there, because had he been alone I would have hated myself. He complained of back and chest pain after a failed procedure. I questioned why he was even home and why he hadn't gone or been taken to the hospital. He told me he felt okay to be taken home and that he'd be fine. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I obliged. I had just returned from the barber and decided to shower for work. About 2 hours later, I was calling 911 for help. Unfortunately, I knew it was too late. Although they tried to revive him both at our home and the hospital, something in me said it really happened. I didn't want to believe it... but who would?!! I ended up losing a lot that day. My love, my partner, my best friend, my security, my everything. He was...is my everything. Gone.
The hardest part about all of this...I know he knew I loved and cared for him, however I have a very funny way of showing it. My mother was always so weird with those close to her. She was hardest on the people she loved most. Unfortunately for her children, we adopted that ugly trait. And I feel although he knew he was everything to me, I feel I may not have shown it enough. That hurts my heart tremendously. I can't even think of the right words to explain it, but you catch my drift. It feels like a part of me is missing. A part of me died that day. This man taught me a lot, and now I don't have him here to share my life with me.
After his passing everything went downhill for the next 3 weeks. From his wake/funeral where I felt like the worst kept secret, to having to give up my place and find a home for our cat, to being back at work and feeling put down...it was rough. Now, about 6 weeks later, I'm feeling more like myself. However I put on a face in order to hide my feelings. I'd rather everyone think I'm okay instead of sad. Some care, but most don't. The hardest times are when I'm alone and there's no one laying next to me. Yes, even as exes we shared our bed and cuddled at times. And now I have no one to cook for or harass in the mornings. So much to adjust to.
I know with time it'll all get easier. And I know with my faith I'll see him again. It's just so hard right now, but I'm doing my best to be strong.
I'm sorry if this post seems scattered and a bit too personal. I figured maybe this would help me get my thoughts out of my head and maybe somewhere to help someone else. I know he's in a better place and not in any pain nor is he suffering. Just really tough not having him around. I appreciate all of the support I've received from family and friends, but nothing can help fill the void in my heart. Maybe time will.
I love you, Wil. I miss you.♡