After You Fall.

"Who's gonna be there, after the fall? 
Who's gonna be there, after it all?..."

Questions we've all asked ourselves at one time or another. When we're experiencing lows, we tend to  fall deep into our feelings and question not only the matter(s) at hand, but also the people in our lives. We're asking the universe, asking God, asking ourselves who will be there for us while we're going through the motions. Oftentimes, this question is left unanswered until months later after the storm has cleared when we realize "this one" and "that one" held our hands through the tough times. And there's also that moment when the realization of those whom were nowhere to be found.

Presently, I'm going through the motions of dealing with the passing of my Mother. She passed on almost 6 months ago. The hardest part of this situation has been the fact that not only did I not get to physically see her, but the fact that I didn't get an actual chance to say goodbye or tell her how much I truly love her...it tears me up inside on a daily basis. Takes me back to that moment when Wil died and I beat myself up for not telling him that I still loved hi very much. You don't have to be with someone to love them, and I wanted him to know that just because we broke up didn't mean that my love for him had changed. I'm grateful for the experiences that followed that, helping me learn the importance of being vocal on feelings. I just wished that when my Mother's time came that I had been more ballsy and spoke up. It's a wonderful feeling to know that she's out there protecting me regardless and knows how much I care; however, it was something that I wish I had been able to vocalize. But then the question of, "would that have mattered since she's gone?" comes to play. Is it ever enough? ...I've clearly gone off topic. I guess this is what's really in my heart and on my mind.

Anyways...

What I did happen to learn from that all was who truly cared about me. I may or may not have covered this in a previous post; however, it's quite relevant for me today. I am blessed to have gone through those things (losing loved ones...yes, a blessing in disguise) to have come out on the other end much stronger and wiser. I learned who cared. I learned who to keep close. I learned who to let go of and sever ties with. I learned the importance of trust and loyalty. I also learned my own strength. Nothing can take that away from me.

Today, I've taken that strength and all of that knowledge to open my heart up to a new love. And now my lover is being tested with similar experiences. His Mother is currently on her deathbed as we speak. We are truly witnessing the decline of a woman day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. To call it heartbreaking would be a complete understatement. The outpouring of love, though, is on another level. However, not all "love" is good love. Like I've already said, this is when you learn who you can trust and who is truly there for you. Some people are coming out and showing love and it's all good, but deep down it's quite well known that there was a lack of a connection there while his Mother was up and running. The interesting part of it all is flipping through her notes that she's taken over the last few years. Her true feelings and true thoughts are buried deep in these notebooks where she lets her heart hit the paper through ink and pure emotion. Albeit a rough thing to look through, I'm so sure he's grateful that she left these. It's like everything she wanted to verbalize to him, but the inability to do so in person was jotted down for him to see at a later time. It couldn't have been any better.

Since learning of her status over the last few days, he's been trying to deal with everyone else's emotions as well as his own. At times, he's putting others before his. I told him to let it out and accept the love given to him, also to not put his feelings on the back burner. Now I know I'm probably not the perfect person to listen to, but I do know what I'm talking about with this. I've also told him to pay attention to those giving him affection right now. Look at the faces. Not all of them will be around later on. He's currently falling...but has yet to truly fall. I think with death, you fall and hit the ground once the funeral is over. You realize that this being is no longer physically present. This is the fall. "So who is going to be there to assist in picking me up and getting me back on my feet?" This is what we ask ourselves when this fall happens. I know I asked that question many a times. I am blessed with a few individuals who were there to help me fight through it all. Also, I found an inner strength that I was not even the slightest aware of. The ability to fight my pain seemed unbearable and impossible. As cheesy as it sounds, but music helped me. Listening to others' pain helped me realize that I wasn't alone. So where my loved ones couldn't and when I thought I couldn't, a song would give me the comfort I needed. A song could feed me the words or idea of power and help me smile. A song would help me move. It was therapeutic. I truly hope that where/when I am not able to help him, that maybe music can do the same for him. No matter what though, I will be there for him. He's my everything. Sometimes its hard because he'll say or do things that remind me of the past and situations with Wil or just Wil in general. People can remind you of others, but in a relationship...its fucking weird. That simple...hah. Although it may feel odd at times, its comforting. It helps me realize that I'm not alone. Takes me to a place where I can think, "Dont e´, you're not alone in this...you're not alone." It's a great feeling. And this same feeling is what I hope to have him feel.

"Who's gonna be there, after you fall?
I will."










[This post is truly all over the place. I blame this on pure emotion, that pump of vanilla in my chai, Lil' love asking me about what to toss as she cleaned, and checking my nails every five mins...I truly need a manicure. But also, because I love him and I don't want him in any pain. Thanks.]

#brokenheartshealSTRONGER #conversationsinacafe #conversationswithmyselfinmydiningarea

Never Thought...

You never know what to expect in any situation. We often try and think of what could or what would happen. There are also times where we assume things, and that's the worst. That's when we get ourselves into trouble.

With this current situation, I never expected to have the feelings that I possess. Never thought I'd feel this way again...I mean, it's been how long? Haha. I'm only human, and hope for the best. Just give it a chance. I'd normally leave that alone, but why? Because someone's selfish demands on my life (love you to pieces, but you know that was about personal gain rather than about me)? Not happening.

Here's to being optimistic.

Wrap.

I've given my all to this only to feel duped, unappreciated, rejected, and most of all...stupid. Continuously giving 100% of my time and energy for something that has me backpedaling. In life we plan to move forward; never backwards in a situation or thought. And that's just what I plan to do. Blood, sweat and tears, and in return lies and fairytales to keep me hanging on. No longer the puppet. I've done this before...not again. It's a wrap.

Indifferent.

The feeling of indifference never sits well with me. It causes an extreme amount of anxiety and I fight it by putting up a front to the world. This front causes me to suppress my true feelings for what ever is causing me to feel off. Right now, it's about someone I care about. Someone who fails to realize the depth of my feelings. Truth be told, I'm not sure if they will ever know, however I pray that one day this person knows.

Had I never been told to change how I really am too appease others, I don't think I'd be in this predicament. I've spent a year working my ass off to get to where I am today. I'd really hate for another person's opinion to tarnish what I've built for myself. And for that opinion to ruin what could be the greatest ending to a hard year. I must clear my life of what once was, and focus of what is and what could be. This is something I've been contemplating for the longest, but procrastination always wins. Well that is no longer. It's not a matter of disrespect, however it's something I owe myself. The results shall be immense, and I know this person (whom I care about) will appreciate it.

*About 2 individuals - read between the lines*

Everything.

I have everything a guy could need: a good job with good pay, my own apartment, food in my fridge, clothes on my back, family (kind of), friends, and so much more. Thankfully I've gotten to a place where I am legitimately happy, however I feel something is missing. Totes not satisfied and crying about it all a la Britney in "Lucky", circa Oops! days.

Not too sure if it's because of Wil's 1 year anniversary quickly approaching (April 12th), but I'm just uber emotional. I'm definitely ready to move on with my life completely. Then all of this emotional mess happens. I was always the boy without a heart...now, I feel. Yay me >insert eye-roll here<. The hard part of all of this is actually falling for someone and having that same someone equally fall for me. I mean, yeah, there's someone on my mind. It's too new and fresh for me to even fathom what will be, but I know what could be.

After much thought I just know that I'm ready to be a boyfriend again. I want those butterflies, and that exciting feeling when I see them calling my phone. That feeling when you're going to be with them that day and you've looked forward to it all week. You know, that feeling when you're walking towards them and you're so excited, yet you tell yourself, "don't smile too hard you crazy bishhh!" That feeling of knowing someone is by your side and has your back no matter what. Someone to grow with and share your world with. Long term. Not a fling. Real shit. You wash the clothes and he helps you fold. That dude who wears a fitted and you take it off his head to take a selfie with it on and Instagram it. Haha. Nah, I want more than Instagram pictures. I want to rock it til waterfalls like Bey. I just want something real and meaningful. It's not something you rush. I'll be patient. Just hope it happens.

Actually, it will.

Understanding.

I've come to understand the phrase, "when it rains, it pours"...but instead of feeling sorry for myself, I choose to remain optimistic. No good comes out of self pity or seeking attention from others as a way to console yourself and forget about your problems. It also doesn't help to complain and rot the moods of others around you. Sometimes, just talking it over with a loved one is what works best. The smile after that conversation goes a long way; perhaps reminding you there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Even when all aspects of my life make me feel as if the walls are closing in, I try to remind myself that it could always be worst. I'm very grateful for the little I have. Little is way better than nothing at all. I'll take little.

Friends, PT 2.

It's times like this where I wish I could be that person--the one that just cuts people off. Completely cut people off, that is. I've given some people chance after chance. And its my fault. If someone does something that pisses you off or offends you once, and you choose to forgive them then you should move on. If they continue to do things that could possibly damage your friendship then that's when you should do something about it. Now if you're Me, and you accept apology after apology, excuse after excuse...well then you're the dumbASS. In this particular sitch...I'm that dumbASS. Lol.

Here are two different situations:

FRIEND 1: We have known one another since we were 17 y/o. We were once the best of friends for a few years...even though we had our many teenage conflicts. At 21, we parted ways and now at 25, we've reconnected. It's been about 9 months or since we've reconnected and we've talked a handful of times. I'm okay with it. My issue is that he's grown to be something he's not. Almost a fake. His friends all come from money, and they also work and make their own money. He has a great job himself, and works hard for everything he has...but you get what I mean. That person that has a chip on their shoulder and acts like he's something he's not. Acting very "uppity" for lack of a better word. You KNOW!! It's like..BooBoo, who are you foolin? Like for real, for REAL?! He likes to act like I don't hit him up, but if I hit you up and I don't hear back from you...then you act like you never got my message? No. But its whatever. I also don't care for that whole, "I don't like the scene...I'm over clubs...I hate the excessive drinking every weekend". Yet every weekend you are on FaceBook (I don't have one, but people insist on showing me posts) saying that you're out drinking, at a club/bar/lounge; sipping a $15 drink; after a $100 dinner; with Tom, Dick, and Bougie. Then the next day you're "drunk and love it..." BYE!

FRIEND 2: I love my little nugget -- HOWEVER...I am truly sick of his shit. Its been years of putting up with excuse after excuse...reason upon reason as to WHY he can't make it to events or even meet up for dinner. I can make plans with him for 3 weeks from now, Today. On that day that we are to meet he'll find a "valid" reason as to why he cannot make it. I understand that shit happens and things come up, but every time? Not to mention that we already have unspoken tention from a few years prior. I never talk about it since I don't want anyone to confuse it for something that its not. I introduced him to my ex (boyfriend at the time) and when we broke up the two of them continued to hang out. Hmm. Some have said that they feel something went down between the two of them. I don't think I want to know. Ever. After about 9 or 10 months of him putting our friendship on the back-burner, he decided it was time to hit me up and apologize. I accepted...blah blah blah. We were cool. Today, that still hangs over my head and his inconsistencies as well. I love him, I really do. I don't that I can put up with his mess anymore.

I seriously need to reevaluate my friends. I know the ones that'll be there for me...Althea, Christina, Jonathan. Love them. A few others as well. But there are those few I question. Friends are supposed to be like an extended family, but many have proven to be more foe than friend.

Confusion

I should be happy, or at least content. Instead, I am more confused than anything. Recent events have left me with this feeling, and I'm not sure how to shake it. Even looking to my friends hoping they'll have a better way of helping me understand what I'm feelings and sorting things out isn't seeming to do the trick...why? OH! Because they are all too busy to meet with me. Sometimes facetime is what is necessary. A simple phone call is cute, but NOT helpful in this situation.

I hope things take a turn for the better very soon. I can't deal with this shit anymore. Relationships man...