Sunday, November 8, 2015

After You Fall.

"Who's gonna be there, after the fall? 
Who's gonna be there, after it all?..."

Questions we've all asked ourselves at one time or another. When we're experiencing lows, we tend to  fall deep into our feelings and question not only the matter(s) at hand, but also the people in our lives. We're asking the universe, asking God, asking ourselves who will be there for us while we're going through the motions. Oftentimes, this question is left unanswered until months later after the storm has cleared when we realize "this one" and "that one" held our hands through the tough times. And there's also that moment when the realization of those whom were nowhere to be found.

Presently, I'm going through the motions of dealing with the passing of my Mother. She passed on almost 6 months ago. The hardest part of this situation has been the fact that not only did I not get to physically see her, but the fact that I didn't get an actual chance to say goodbye or tell her how much I truly love tears me up inside on a daily basis. Takes me back to that moment when Wil died and I beat myself up for not telling him that I still loved hi very much. You don't have to be with someone to love them, and I wanted him to know that just because we broke up didn't mean that my love for him had changed. I'm grateful for the experiences that followed that, helping me learn the importance of being vocal on feelings. I just wished that when my Mother's time came that I had been more ballsy and spoke up. It's a wonderful feeling to know that she's out there protecting me regardless and knows how much I care; however, it was something that I wish I had been able to vocalize. But then the question of, "would that have mattered since she's gone?" comes to play. Is it ever enough? ...I've clearly gone off topic. I guess this is what's really in my heart and on my mind.


What I did happen to learn from that all was who truly cared about me. I may or may not have covered this in a previous post; however, it's quite relevant for me today. I am blessed to have gone through those things (losing loved ones...yes, a blessing in disguise) to have come out on the other end much stronger and wiser. I learned who cared. I learned who to keep close. I learned who to let go of and sever ties with. I learned the importance of trust and loyalty. I also learned my own strength. Nothing can take that away from me.

Today, I've taken that strength and all of that knowledge to open my heart up to a new love. And now my lover is being tested with similar experiences. His Mother is currently on her deathbed as we speak. We are truly witnessing the decline of a woman day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. To call it heartbreaking would be a complete understatement. The outpouring of love, though, is on another level. However, not all "love" is good love. Like I've already said, this is when you learn who you can trust and who is truly there for you. Some people are coming out and showing love and it's all good, but deep down it's quite well known that there was a lack of a connection there while his Mother was up and running. The interesting part of it all is flipping through her notes that she's taken over the last few years. Her true feelings and true thoughts are buried deep in these notebooks where she lets her heart hit the paper through ink and pure emotion. Albeit a rough thing to look through, I'm so sure he's grateful that she left these. It's like everything she wanted to verbalize to him, but the inability to do so in person was jotted down for him to see at a later time. It couldn't have been any better.

Since learning of her status over the last few days, he's been trying to deal with everyone else's emotions as well as his own. At times, he's putting others before his. I told him to let it out and accept the love given to him, also to not put his feelings on the back burner. Now I know I'm probably not the perfect person to listen to, but I do know what I'm talking about with this. I've also told him to pay attention to those giving him affection right now. Look at the faces. Not all of them will be around later on. He's currently falling...but has yet to truly fall. I think with death, you fall and hit the ground once the funeral is over. You realize that this being is no longer physically present. This is the fall. "So who is going to be there to assist in picking me up and getting me back on my feet?" This is what we ask ourselves when this fall happens. I know I asked that question many a times. I am blessed with a few individuals who were there to help me fight through it all. Also, I found an inner strength that I was not even the slightest aware of. The ability to fight my pain seemed unbearable and impossible. As cheesy as it sounds, but music helped me. Listening to others' pain helped me realize that I wasn't alone. So where my loved ones couldn't and when I thought I couldn't, a song would give me the comfort I needed. A song could feed me the words or idea of power and help me smile. A song would help me move. It was therapeutic. I truly hope that where/when I am not able to help him, that maybe music can do the same for him. No matter what though, I will be there for him. He's my everything. Sometimes its hard because he'll say or do things that remind me of the past and situations with Wil or just Wil in general. People can remind you of others, but in a relationship...its fucking weird. That simple...hah. Although it may feel odd at times, its comforting. It helps me realize that I'm not alone. Takes me to a place where I can think, "Dont e´, you're not alone in're not alone." It's a great feeling. And this same feeling is what I hope to have him feel.

"Who's gonna be there, after you fall?
I will."

[This post is truly all over the place. I blame this on pure emotion, that pump of vanilla in my chai, Lil' love asking me about what to toss as she cleaned, and checking my nails every five mins...I truly need a manicure. But also, because I love him and I don't want him in any pain. Thanks.]

#brokenheartshealSTRONGER #conversationsinacafe #conversationswithmyselfinmydiningarea

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