Saturday, December 26, 2015

I'm Not Your Boyfriend.

I'm not you're fucking boyfriend. 

I love you a sister, but I'm NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!

I would love to talk to you as a friend, reach out to you in times of need and times when I just want to talk; the feeling of you judging me is what stops me. Yes, I feel like you would judge me. Because of my sexual orientation, I feel I am limited to what I can say to you in fear you feeling discomfort and then judging. I can handle a lot, but not being judged by loved ones. And I know I'm not one to talk, but when I say things to you, I feel it's to benefit you or what I'd do in whatever situation that you may be going through.

The other day when you said my memory was "foggy" from saying you don't ask about me...bullshit. You don't ask about me. Your calls start out with you guilting me for not reaching out to you. Next, I apologize for something I'm not sorry for. Then you proceed to complain or talk about your life. MAYBE twice you have asked about me. You normally finish and ask about Him. Then ask what we're up to you and yadda yadda yadda. That's not asking about me. What if I'm secretly miserable and I'm just waiting for my best friend to be my best FRIEND and ask how I'M DOING?!! 

As far as marriage goes, you were right in saying that your beliefs should not have any bearing on my perception of you as my friend. I feel because I cannot talk to you freely as I can with others, it puts me in this awkward position. Oftentimes I'm left thinking, "okay...can I or can I not say this to or around her...don't want to upset her." That may be on me, but it's uncomfortable. I don't want these limits. And NEVER HAVE I EVER said that you talking about "personal" (you know what I'm referring to) things was an issue. I'm just afraid to listen at times because I may not agree with you. You're a firecracker when you're heated. If you are not agreed with, I'm honestly terrified of being on the receiving end. 

My last thing is that I want to experience life with you, but I also want to live my I have tried these last almost 3 years. Just as I got over one thing, it happened again. I thank you and others for being there with me and for me to get me through it. But I'm not your boyfriend. I can't be that guy for you. I can support you how you have supported me, but you can talk to me the way you do sometimes and make me feel guilty for shit. Your sister often refers to us as "Will & Grace"...even Will had to let Grace know what it was. 

I love you so much, and that'll never change. And even though you'll probably never read had to get off of my chest. Just wish I was ballsy enough to send it to you.

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