On my mind.

In 2013, I experienced the worst possible pain ever -- losing someone you love. Just last year, that pain resurfaced with the loss of my Mother. Today's pain is less of a depression and more or a disappointment. The loss of close friendships. Many my life might question my actions, as I've been quite distant with some and quiet. My actions are only brought on by those of others I've considered to be close friends/loved ones. Even those I've labeled as "best" and "loved" have made me re-evaluate where we all stand.

When I moved away from New Jersey to Nashville, it wasn't only because of a relationship. I moved away for change, and for new surroundings, and to make new friends and to have a difference in my life. Prior to relocating, I spent 2 years working my ass off living check to check and not having any time to myself. The little time carved out was spent in between the walls of my apartment. That apartment was my sanctuary. I grew a love for that place...a love like no other. It protected me from the world. I loved it. I invited friends over, and some came, while others complained. It's rough having something you care about so much, and you try your best to share it with the world; yet all people can do is complain and/or not support you. This same predicament is mirroring at present time.

I've never been the friend to keep away from others, but I've learned over the course of the last 12 months that some people aren't forever. There have been guys that I've dated in the past and may have had some sort of sexual history with that had ended way back when...I'd befriend them. Gone. That was a choice I made based off of maturity and realizing that things in my life have CLEARLY changed. My views are way different. I can no longer converse about this dick and that dick. I don't care who's sucking on your balls. I mean...really. And I don't care who you hooked up with. We all have THAT friend, but I had one toooooo many of those friends. I have acquaintances up the ass that would randomly hit me up, and I'm sure at one point in time I was that acquaintance. I no longer converse with many of those. And then there's the "bests"... like the one I would hold inappropriate conversations with. Using inappropriate doesn't mean every conversation was of that nature, but WE made it allowed which cost us both lots of respect from others and each other. I love that kid dearly, but I can no longer subject myself to conversations about sex, my past/history, or anything like that. And its not fair for him to do that for himself. Then there's the other "best" whom could truly care less about my happiness. We all are to worry about ourselves, but when we share our lives with other's it becomes less about ME and more about WE. I am a WE now. Still a ME...but a WE. If someone is calling himself/herself a friend of mine, I would hope to have the support and understanding that one gives to their friends. I have done my best to support and give advice even when I felt it wouldn't be heard and/or cared for. But that's what friends do. I do my best to support one's beliefs; however, it doesn't make ANY sense to me that someone cannot support gay union/marriage/relationships, but can take part in all things gay: I.E. clubs, bars, lounges, parties, photo ops, dinners, etc. There is a clear "gay-appropriation" until shit gets real, and it's downright wrong and comes off as fake. And to this person...I love you so fucking much and would never want you to hurt. But I'm hurt by the lack of support and understanding of my happiness. And I will NOT stop living my life for you or anyone else. As I would never expect or want that of you.

It's been a long time coming for this to be let out. I often think about it...daily actually. But one thing I can say is that I am truly thankful for my life, the opportunities, the travel, and all the things that God has blessed me with. I remember sitting in the mall depressed about what would happen next. The second I got the message from the Lord that all things will be okay and that my angel would guide me to greatness...I ran with it. It has gotten me to such an amazing place. I have a man whom I love more than he'll ever know. There's no other man out there for me. He's just too great. He gets me and appreciates me, protects me, respects me, and loves me. You can't trade that for anything. And now I'll have a step-daughter who oddly enough slightly resembles me. Weird. But I am so blessed, and so grateful for my life -- just wish others whom I have care so much for would join in on my journey. It just goes to show that it's so very true that some people aren't supposed to stay on the journey of life with you. Some are just for the time being. Kind of like money. The same people who get you to $1million are not the same ones who will get you to $5million or $10million.

I'm Not Your Boyfriend.

I'm not you're fucking boyfriend. 

I love you dearly...like a sister, but I'm NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!

I would love to talk to you as a friend, reach out to you in times of need and times when I just want to talk; the feeling of you judging me is what stops me. Yes, I feel like you would judge me. Because of my sexual orientation, I feel I am limited to what I can say to you in fear you feeling discomfort and then judging. I can handle a lot, but not being judged by loved ones. And I know I'm not one to talk, but when I say things to you, I feel it's to benefit you or what I'd do in whatever situation that you may be going through.

The other day when you said my memory was "foggy" from saying you don't ask about me...bullshit. You don't ask about me. Your calls start out with you guilting me for not reaching out to you. Next, I apologize for something I'm not sorry for. Then you proceed to complain or talk about your life. MAYBE twice you have asked about me. You normally finish and ask about Him. Then ask what we're up to you and yadda yadda yadda. That's not asking about me. What if I'm secretly miserable and I'm just waiting for my best friend to be my best FRIEND and ask how I'M DOING?!! 

As far as marriage goes, you were right in saying that your beliefs should not have any bearing on my perception of you as my friend. I feel because I cannot talk to you freely as I can with others, it puts me in this awkward position. Oftentimes I'm left thinking, "okay...can I or can I not say this to or around her...don't want to upset her." That may be on me, but it's uncomfortable. I don't want these limits. And NEVER HAVE I EVER said that you talking about "personal" (you know what I'm referring to) things was an issue. I'm just afraid to listen at times because I may not agree with you. You're a firecracker when you're heated. If you are not agreed with, I'm honestly terrified of being on the receiving end. 

My last thing is that I want to experience life with you, but I also want to live my own...as I have tried these last almost 3 years. Just as I got over one thing, it happened again. I thank you and others for being there with me and for me to get me through it. But I'm not your boyfriend. I can't be that guy for you. I can support you how you have supported me, but you can talk to me the way you do sometimes and make me feel guilty for shit. Your sister often refers to us as "Will & Grace"...even Will had to let Grace know what it was. 

I love you so much, and that'll never change. And even though you'll probably never read this...it had to get off of my chest. Just wish I was ballsy enough to send it to you.

Making Time.

When getting to know someone or even when involved (relationships/friendships included), communication is key! It doesn't need to be all day, everyday; a chat here and there makes all of the difference. However, when excuses arise such as, "I fell asleep" or "I forgot", etc.; that's when you may start to question that person's level of commitment. Some people are just careless and are only worried about how they feel and not anyone else. It's quite easy to make time for someone. And anyone saying that they can't is pretty much not willing to. It's understandable when life throws you a curve ball, and you are too overwhelmed to deal with others. But communicate that. Don't lead others to believe otherwise.

A constant flow of communication is the best thing in any form of a relationship. And with communication, honesty must also be present. These two factors are what keep relationships healthy and working.

(This post is about my friend.)

Cake & More.

We've all heard the saying "have your cake and eat it too," however many of us fail to realize what price we have to pay to live that life. Sometimes it's best to simplify your lifestyle and accept things for what they are or make some necessary changes to bring happiness. But when we become greedy and want it all, we tend to ignore our surroundings (IE: people around us, etc.) and end up hurting others or ourselves. Some even go as far as to build selfish walls keeping everyone, including their true selves out of their life. There are times when there could be amazing opportunities and possibilities available; that gets pushed aside again by greed.

Let's try feeding our souls with goodness instead of a handful of pride and disgusting greed.

PS: esto es para ti, y ni siquiera lo saben.

Him.

After posting the entry prior to this one, I knew I had made a mistake. It was all me; not him. We both did our best to make it work, and he felt like he had taken a lot away from me just by being with him, due to his health. He often said I should maybe be single in order to not have any regrets. My only regret was letting him think he was right. We broke up the day of that post.

On April 12th, he passed away. It happened in front of my eyes in our home. I was actually not supposed to be there. Luckily I was there, because had he been alone I would have hated myself. He complained of back and chest pain after a failed procedure. I questioned why he was even home and why he hadn't gone or been taken to the hospital. He told me he felt okay to be taken home and that he'd be fine. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I obliged. I had just returned from the barber and decided to shower for work. About 2 hours later, I was calling 911 for help. Unfortunately, I knew it was too late. Although they tried to revive him both at our home and the hospital, something in me said it really happened. I didn't want to believe it... but who would?!! I ended up losing a lot that day. My love, my partner, my best friend, my security, my everything. He was...is my everything. Gone.

The hardest part about all of this...I know he knew I loved and cared for him, however I have a very funny way of showing it. My mother was always so weird with those close to her. She was hardest on the people she loved most. Unfortunately for her children, we adopted that ugly trait. And I feel although he knew he was everything to me, I feel I may not have shown it enough. That hurts my heart tremendously. I can't even think of the right words to explain it, but you catch my drift. It feels like a part of me is missing. A part of me died that day. This man taught me a lot, and now I don't have him here to share my life with me.

After his passing everything went downhill for the next 3 weeks. From his wake/funeral where I felt like the worst kept secret, to having to give up my place and find a home for our cat, to being back at work and feeling put down...it was rough. Now, about 6 weeks later, I'm feeling more like myself. However I put on a face in order to hide my feelings. I'd rather everyone think I'm okay instead of sad. Some care, but most don't. The hardest times are when I'm alone and there's no one laying next to me. Yes, even as exes we shared our bed and cuddled at times. And now I have no one to cook for or harass in the mornings. So much to adjust to.

I know with time it'll all get easier. And I know with my faith I'll see him again. It's just so hard right now, but I'm doing my best to be strong.

I'm sorry if this post seems scattered and a bit too personal. I figured maybe this would help me get my thoughts out of my head and maybe somewhere to help someone else. I know he's in a better place and not in any pain nor is he suffering. Just really tough not having him around. I appreciate all of the support I've received from family and friends, but nothing can help fill the void in my heart. Maybe time will.

I love you, Wil. I miss you.♡

Friends, PT 2.

It's times like this where I wish I could be that person--the one that just cuts people off. Completely cut people off, that is. I've given some people chance after chance. And its my fault. If someone does something that pisses you off or offends you once, and you choose to forgive them then you should move on. If they continue to do things that could possibly damage your friendship then that's when you should do something about it. Now if you're Me, and you accept apology after apology, excuse after excuse...well then you're the dumbASS. In this particular sitch...I'm that dumbASS. Lol.

Here are two different situations:

FRIEND 1: We have known one another since we were 17 y/o. We were once the best of friends for a few years...even though we had our many teenage conflicts. At 21, we parted ways and now at 25, we've reconnected. It's been about 9 months or since we've reconnected and we've talked a handful of times. I'm okay with it. My issue is that he's grown to be something he's not. Almost a fake. His friends all come from money, and they also work and make their own money. He has a great job himself, and works hard for everything he has...but you get what I mean. That person that has a chip on their shoulder and acts like he's something he's not. Acting very "uppity" for lack of a better word. You KNOW!! It's like..BooBoo, who are you foolin? Like for real, for REAL?! He likes to act like I don't hit him up, but if I hit you up and I don't hear back from you...then you act like you never got my message? No. But its whatever. I also don't care for that whole, "I don't like the scene...I'm over clubs...I hate the excessive drinking every weekend". Yet every weekend you are on FaceBook (I don't have one, but people insist on showing me posts) saying that you're out drinking, at a club/bar/lounge; sipping a $15 drink; after a $100 dinner; with Tom, Dick, and Bougie. Then the next day you're "drunk and love it..." BYE!

FRIEND 2: I love my little nugget -- HOWEVER...I am truly sick of his shit. Its been years of putting up with excuse after excuse...reason upon reason as to WHY he can't make it to events or even meet up for dinner. I can make plans with him for 3 weeks from now, Today. On that day that we are to meet he'll find a "valid" reason as to why he cannot make it. I understand that shit happens and things come up, but every time? Not to mention that we already have unspoken tention from a few years prior. I never talk about it since I don't want anyone to confuse it for something that its not. I introduced him to my ex (boyfriend at the time) and when we broke up the two of them continued to hang out. Hmm. Some have said that they feel something went down between the two of them. I don't think I want to know. Ever. After about 9 or 10 months of him putting our friendship on the back-burner, he decided it was time to hit me up and apologize. I accepted...blah blah blah. We were cool. Today, that still hangs over my head and his inconsistencies as well. I love him, I really do. I don't that I can put up with his mess anymore.

I seriously need to reevaluate my friends. I know the ones that'll be there for me...Althea, Christina, Jonathan. Love them. A few others as well. But there are those few I question. Friends are supposed to be like an extended family, but many have proven to be more foe than friend.

Friends.

This one will be short and sweet.

Ever heard the phrase: "Bros before hoes" ...? Well, can someone please forward this to my "best friend". I've been through this before with friends where they've forgotten all about their friends after being with some new guy, girl, jumpoff, piece-of-ass, etc. Seems like my boy has become part of this trend, and has fallen off lately. NOT feeling it.

Douchebag.

AltheaMichelle.

We have a new kid on the block! And its my ever-so-favorite Althea aka AltheaMichelle. Everyone, head over to her blog Batteries Not Included and FOLLOW her! She's absolutely amazing, super gorg, and I truly love her dearly...and her mom's good cooking! *BBM lovestruck smiley*

Hope everyone is having an amazing Friday!

Btw, does anyone know of where I can get those little buttons for like Twitter, Facebook, etc. for my page? Please leave a comment or email if you know. Thanks in advance.

Adios!

I Don't Wanna Hear It!

I am SO over everyone and their bullshit lies and excuses! If I had a dollar for every tired ass story I have heard over the last 2 months, I swear I'd be rolling in it. I am SICK and TIRED of the randomness people have been pulling out of their asses lately and trying to force feed to me. I do NOT believe that you are that busy, and I do NOT believe that you care either. I also do NOT believe you are even concerned with anything other than yourself, hence why every conversation is about YOU! I am OFFICIALLY over YOU. Be gone.

This is for many; not just one.

Hello, All. I haven't been home as much lately, which is why I haven't updated on any "statuses". First and foremost, Wil is out of the hospital! He got out this past Thursday, and has already started working. That's just how he is. There is no stopping that guy. We have that in common. With Wil's recent stay in the hospital, his parent's decided it was necessary for them to come up here from PR to make sure their little boy was getting better. They are currently staying with us, and I am loving every minute of it. There is zero sarcasm in that - his father is an amazing cook, and I am an amazing eater...it works.

Lately, I've been so much more in touch with my best friend, Christina. She and I have been hanging out and texting up a storm. Its been the most contact I've had with her in the past 3 or 4 years. The best part about it is realizing what makes a true friend. Even when we had a lack of contact we would still catch up with no problem. Loves her! Unlike my relationship with Christina, there are a few individuals I'd like to weed out of my life (no names). Our friendship has seen its days, and these few no long have a...purpose..or relevance (help me with the word) in my life anymore. We've outgrown each other. And I'm starting to hear things going on behind the scenes with people telling me one thing to my face, and something else is going on behind my back. Its a bunch of high school mess, and I don't want any part of it. I'm not above anyone, but I'm too old for that. Hah...old. For example, to tell me you don't care for someone and you were just "using" them for that moment; months later you are still hanging with them and pictures pop up and whatnot. It just makes you look like a hypocrite. Go ahead, phony. Whatevs.

Hmmm...other updates. I'm working on getting my license. YES! I am 24 years old and I do not have my driver's license. My idea at 17 was that I would be living in the city and going to school out there. So my license would be replaced by a fancy Metrocard. Of course, I didn't give my teenage dreams any realistic, thorough insight. And now everything is the complete opposite. However, I will go on to say a lot of change has happened...and things look good. I'm looking forward to whatever is to come.

On that note, I'll peace out. I'm so hungry, and have work in a little bit. Later, folks!

UPDATE: TOTALLY didn't realize that my blog's 1 year anniversary had passed! Like WTF?! Oh well, life goes on. Thank you to everyone that has read my blog over the past year, and a very SPECIAL thank you to everyone that has subscribed (whether its public or private). Thank you!

Visitor's Pass

Yesterday, I went to visit Wil in the hospital. Unfortunately, he is having some sort of liver problem. His enzyme levels are high and it was realized about year while he was getting his appendix removed, but nothing was done. The doctors said that something should have been done then, but because the focus was on his the removal of his appendix it became secondary. And although his liver enzyme levels were high, they were still somewhat "ok". Whatever that means. *shrugs* All in all, he's doing ok. He looked all crazy; covered in facial hair, but still had enough energy to tell a nurse off. And I quote, "If you don't like your job, then don't do it. Don't make my life or any other patient's life miserable because you hate your job." That's Wil.

I did blog all of this yesterday from the hospital, but the laptop I was on wanted to act up once I finished. I'm hoping that he comes home VERY soon, and I heard his parents may be coming from PR to make sure he is okay. So you know what that means: family drama for him, and good ass Puerto Rican home cooking from a chef for me! God is good. :-) Take care everyone; off to work.

Happy Sunday

I haven't been able to blog, since I've been running around a lot this week. Between Wil's birthday, my niece's 1st birthday, work, and all of my random errands; just haven't had the time to sit down and upload, and unload. So here are a few pictures that I took this past Sunday, the 18th from my baby niece's birthday party, the Colombian Festival in Hackensack, and others.

Me and Yolliebird (Yolanda) sippin' on some bangin' ass piña coladas at the Colombian Festival. There wasn't a drop of alcohol in them, but they were so effen amazing!

Sakinah & Li'Asia (sisters) - It was the little one's 1st birthday, and she seemed a little over it. I would be, too if everyone was passing me around like a ragdoll. I get that it was the child's birthday, but it was too damn hott for all of that!

Li'Asia's Birthda Cake - The cake was really cute. It was Diego and Dora. Problem: It was sooooo hott out, so they decided to "take a nap"...haha. It tasted sooo good, though!

Justin (Christina's Son - Youngest of 2) - Is he fucking adorable?! I want to put him in my pocket! Almost like a Polly-Pocket, except its Justin. Lol.

A little Sunday night company with red wine. It was amazing. (Clearly, everything from this day was amazing or bangin.)

Wil's Birthday Cake - Yes, homemade by yours truly! A little help from the Pillsbury Doughboy, but I gave this a lot of effort. Look at how neat it is. Yummm!

This is Me - Right now :-)

Later.

It's A Wrap.

A few weeks ago, I posted a blog about a friend of mine called, "Friend or Foe?" Soon after, there was a follow-up to the story, and now there is another. We are no longer friends. Too bad I didn't hear it from him, but instead I had to hear it through the grapevine. If there are any gays reading this, they are probably shaking their heads. They know what it is when I say "through the grapevine", because lawd knows that many gays these days can NOT man-up to the issues in which they face (or cause in this case).

Just to sum up the story without having it drag, he stopped talking to me after my boyfriend deleted him off of his Facebook. Yes. I said, Facebook. Immature. Anywho, when I asked my boyfriend why he deleted him, he replied: "I knew having him on there and reading my comments would always make him think they are about him. His guilty conscience always gets the best of him. So, to avoid any drama between you two I deleted him. Now he doesn't see what I post, and you don't have to get an earful from him." I thanked him for that, since my friend did think every litttle thing that was posted was about him. In case you haven't noticed, its always about him. I don't mean this in a funny-haha way, either. It got the best of him, and now he feels the need to cut us both off. It's shocking being that I am his friend, not my boyfriend. It's all very petty. It's bullshit in fact. And at this point, instead of being upset I am rather glad I don't have to deal with it anymore. I've endured plenty of petty, immature situations such as this in the past with this guy. Finally, I can say I won't be stupid enough to continue.

I wish him well in the future, and I hope he finds happiness. If he ever needs my help, I will definitely be there for him. But I will not be there to "chill" or "chit-chat". Hopefully, he'll realize the world doesn't revolve around him and to consider other people's feelings; not just his own. As far as our friendship goes, it's a wrap.

Friends.

"Have no friends not equal to yourself"

-Confucius

Old Friend; New Friend

Let me tell you guys a quick story:

Back in March of 2007, I had a falling out with someone that was my REALLY good friend. He was one of those people that I kept very close to me and I ran to him whenever times were rough, and vice versa. It was a situation all over a birthday dinner that just turned very ugly, very fast. In the end, we wound up not talking - 3 years years he hits up an acquaintance of mine and has him pass the message for me to hit him up.

Today was the day that I got this message and I thought, "Why not talk to him? I still miss him - a LOT!" So I proceeded to emailing him, and long story short we managed to talk everything out and put the past behind us. I would love to have him back in my life. He was an amazing friend then, and I don't see why he can't be one now. I strongly believe that in that period of time he was surrounded by people that may have influenced his decision making negatively, and that could be why things turned out the way they did. Although that may not be a good excuse for things to go the way they did, it seems to make a lot of sense to me. I'm just glad he found a way to reach out to me.

What I find sad is that there are "people" in my life now that have been for a while that can't seem to do anything but point fingers at everyone else when things go wrong. "They" are never wrong, but the world is always at fault. I want for "them" to own up to their faults and be a man/woman about theirs. Be an adult and admit that things aren't the way they were or should be. And if its something that "they" want to change, then actually work on changing them. Talk is cheap. End of story.

I feel so relieved. And I can't explain why. It's a good feeling, though. On a side note - I had an interview for Janie & Jack (the baby store...random, I know) and it went well. So I may end up there in addition to BBW. I'll keep you posted.

Friend or Foe? Pt. 2

I finally had that sit down with my friend about the status of our friendship, and to discuss the issues we were having. Although, I expected some back and forth and maybe a little "drama"; what I didn't expect was having certain things thrown in my face.

We decided to have our sit-down at Panera Bread, on Monday night after I had gotten out of work. Once we got our food, we sat down and started to discuss the matters at hand. He started by apologizing for making feel, "like a friend of convenience." As an FYI: my issues with him were that I felt like a friend of convenience...one he called only when he didn't have anyone else to hang with or nothing to do, that I was left out a lot, and that he was playing himself trying to take someone else's man's time. Sorry, I said it! And?! Anywho...he went on to say that he didn't want to mesh the time that he had with me or anyone with the time he spent with the guy he likes (we'll call him Joe). So ME, being the good friend I thought I was being told him the truth which was, "Ummm..you're not entitled to that time with him - he's not your man!"

My friend got really offended and started to question me on my relationship as well, talking about the beginnings of Wil and I. That definitely pissed me off, but I kept my cool and admitted to my wrong-doings. Fact of the matter is, he made is sound like I cheated on my ex to get with Wil, which is not true. He said it with this look on his face like he was getting snarky with me, and I was ready to slap a bitch up. He had this look in his eye, and his lip curled up like it always does when he's angry. I lost my cool and went off on a rampage - explained to him how YES I was with someone and realized "you know..I'm not happy and I'm ready to end this," and once it was done, that's when I moved on. I wasn't trying to get with a guy while I had one, and no one was pushing up on me while I was with my ex...sorry, I didn't have a YOU! it just so happened that I had someone in mind before I actually ended it (I KNOW..it's wrong, but AT LEAST I didn't mess with anyone..that's just dirty and wrong - so 3 years ago, btw). I then reitterated that Joe is not his man, and how dare he try to criticize me for something that didn't happen...but then he tries to make it seem like its okay for him to want another guys, man. It's just not kosher to me. It's stuff like that, that gives a lot of gay guys the bad names they have today. It's a No, NO!

After about 2 hours of good conversation, and back and forth arguing I came to the conclusion that he may try to be a better friend. By being a better friend that means I'm not the one he calls as a "last resort", and maybe I'll receive and invite or two. As far as everything else, I know it won't change. It's not the first time we've had this conversation, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Let's just say I may not be as forgiving next time - if there is a next time. From not keeping in contact with me for a year, because he had a man...to calling me when he's bored - weird. I genuinely care for him, but sometimes I question things.

Anyone have any thoughts. I know..trust me, I know this all sounds like a bunch of rubbish. It's super petty and overly dramatic. I KNOW! But I think we all know how it is to get close to someone, trust them with your life, and then they switch up on you. It's wishy-washy. Comments and thoughts are greatly appreciated. Goodnite.

Friend or Foe?

Today, I am supposed to meet up with a friend to discuss our issues that we've been having lately. This is not the first time we are discussing any sort of problems between us, and I'm not sure if it'll be the last. But I will say that I am getting damn tired of feeling this way towards them, and I am over talking about what is wrong in our friendship. Its to the point where either its going to work, or its not. When I feel you're heart is elsewhere FOR THIS LONG, and I reach out to you to fix it, and you do nothing...then what? *shrugs*

I'll update later on the status of our "friendship"...hmph.

Self-acceptance.

Me and my friends...*sucks teeth*

I have this friend, and I love him so much. He's one of my most dearest, closest friends and seems to have a lot of drama lately. His main issue at the moment is that he seems to think he needs to "find himself". Now, I believe otherwise. The way I see it is that he has a lot of built up stress and insecurities about his himself due to the relationship he just got out of. So, here is my letter to him in response to him "finding himself":

Puta,

*slaps*

It's not that deep! I get that you say that you are finding yourself and searching for what makes you happy, but with your odd focus you've failed to realize its right in front of your face. There's nothing for you to find besides happiness. What you need to do is accept how things are now, and move on. Also, accept yourself for who you are, and not try and conform to what others want you to be. You are the fashiony, clueless (your blond moments), fun, horrible singing, opinionated guy that you've always been. SO do yourself a favor and accept the fact that you are who you are. Those that don't like you for who you are need to be pushed aside, and given the least amount of attention possible.

I love you, dearly and cannot stand to watch you be so down and out. Its come to the point where you are pushing your friends away once again in order to search for some sort of happiness, only leaving yourself left alone with the same issues. Just realize this time around that there are actually people out there willing to help you. But that is only if you are willing to open up. The first step, though is to accept yourself. Don't ever feel that you need to change a thing. Ever.

Now...let's go get lunch!

He'll never read this. And even if he did I know he'd find a way to turn it into a negative. But I still love him. That's my boy.

PAPA-Paparazzi.

Anderson & Donté, February 13th - Parking garage of hotel.

(Wasn't planned or posed...just happened *shrugs* LOL)

OKAY, tho?!

I have a friend that is really dear to Me. I've known him for about 4 years now, and through these years we've had some differences and one falling out. This falling out came from his constant need of attention, and I'm kind of a loner at times. Two totally different personalities that clashed, but we've worked through it and found ways to make it work. I love him. He's one of my best, and dearest friends.

(SMH)

Recently, he actually "resurfaced" after his break-up with his now Ex. I must admit, although I am happy to see him and hang with him I still think about how he dropped Me once he got with his man. I know in the "gay lifestyle" (as many say) friends come and go, but there are a few that you keep close to you because they are there through thick and thin. And I have been that way with him, but at times I feel like I don't get the same in return. Besides that, I feel like his need for attention is stronger than ever due to this recent break-up. I also DO NOT agree with his repressed anger and passive aggressive behavior he has had lately with my boyfriend and myself. I understand that people go through things, but there is a way to handle every situation. And if he'd actually confront the situation as it happens instead of waiting until everything blows up in his face and deciding to be reactive, then things would be a lot better.

Today, he seriously disappointed me beyond belief by making a call to my boyfriend and blowing up on him for a mistake that he made himself. If my dear friend would take care of his matters like an adult and quit running his mouth to everyone like he actually cares about their advice, then maybe he'd be able to breathe; not have to worry about anything coming back to his ear. It irks me so much to hear about the same issues day-in and day-out. And to top it off you disrespect the person that has heard you out the most, and given you the most of their time? Its kind of a slap in the face, and a stab in the back.

I still care about this guy, but I question his sincerity sometimes. I don't know if he seriously cares about anyone other than himself at times. Smh.

(NOTE: All of this I have said to his face one time or another. I care too much to let my friend out of my life. There is a story or two behind all of this, but I will not put his business out there. Just wanted to vent about it. Him reading this wouldn't bother me either.)