Tuesday, June 7, 2016

On my mind.

In 2013, I experienced the worst possible pain ever -- losing someone you love. Just last year, that pain resurfaced with the loss of my Mother. Today's pain is less of a depression and more or a disappointment. The loss of close friendships. Many my life might question my actions, as I've been quite distant with some and quiet. My actions are only brought on by those of others I've considered to be close friends/loved ones. Even those I've labeled as "best" and "loved" have made me re-evaluate where we all stand.

When I moved away from New Jersey to Nashville, it wasn't only because of a relationship. I moved away for change, and for new surroundings, and to make new friends and to have a difference in my life. Prior to relocating, I spent 2 years working my ass off living check to check and not having any time to myself. The little time carved out was spent in between the walls of my apartment. That apartment was my sanctuary. I grew a love for that place...a love like no other. It protected me from the world. I loved it. I invited friends over, and some came, while others complained. It's rough having something you care about so much, and you try your best to share it with the world; yet all people can do is complain and/or not support you. This same predicament is mirroring at present time.

I've never been the friend to keep away from others, but I've learned over the course of the last 12 months that some people aren't forever. There have been guys that I've dated in the past and may have had some sort of sexual history with that had ended way back when...I'd befriend them. Gone. That was a choice I made based off of maturity and realizing that things in my life have CLEARLY changed. My views are way different. I can no longer converse about this dick and that dick. I don't care who's sucking on your balls. I mean...really. And I don't care who you hooked up with. We all have THAT friend, but I had one toooooo many of those friends. I have acquaintances up the ass that would randomly hit me up, and I'm sure at one point in time I was that acquaintance. I no longer converse with many of those. And then there's the "bests"... like the one I would hold inappropriate conversations with. Using inappropriate doesn't mean every conversation was of that nature, but WE made it allowed which cost us both lots of respect from others and each other. I love that kid dearly, but I can no longer subject myself to conversations about sex, my past/history, or anything like that. And its not fair for him to do that for himself. Then there's the other "best" whom could truly care less about my happiness. We all are to worry about ourselves, but when we share our lives with other's it becomes less about ME and more about WE. I am a WE now. Still a ME...but a WE. If someone is calling himself/herself a friend of mine, I would hope to have the support and understanding that one gives to their friends. I have done my best to support and give advice even when I felt it wouldn't be heard and/or cared for. But that's what friends do. I do my best to support one's beliefs; however, it doesn't make ANY sense to me that someone cannot support gay union/marriage/relationships, but can take part in all things gay: I.E. clubs, bars, lounges, parties, photo ops, dinners, etc. There is a clear "gay-appropriation" until shit gets real, and it's downright wrong and comes off as fake. And to this person...I love you so fucking much and would never want you to hurt. But I'm hurt by the lack of support and understanding of my happiness. And I will NOT stop living my life for you or anyone else. As I would never expect or want that of you.

It's been a long time coming for this to be let out. I often think about it...daily actually. But one thing I can say is that I am truly thankful for my life, the opportunities, the travel, and all the things that God has blessed me with. I remember sitting in the mall depressed about what would happen next. The second I got the message from the Lord that all things will be okay and that my angel would guide me to greatness...I ran with it. It has gotten me to such an amazing place. I have a man whom I love more than he'll ever know. There's no other man out there for me. He's just too great. He gets me and appreciates me, protects me, respects me, and loves me. You can't trade that for anything. And now I'll have a step-daughter who oddly enough slightly resembles me. Weird. But I am so blessed, and so grateful for my life -- just wish others whom I have care so much for would join in on my journey. It just goes to show that it's so very true that some people aren't supposed to stay on the journey of life with you. Some are just for the time being. Kind of like money. The same people who get you to $1million are not the same ones who will get you to $5million or $10million.