[lyric]

"if i could just turn back the hands of time, i'd make you fall in love--love with me again...

so would you give me another chance to love--to love you--love the right way...no games?!"

#gtig

After You Fall.

"Who's gonna be there, after the fall? 
Who's gonna be there, after it all?..."

Questions we've all asked ourselves at one time or another. When we're experiencing lows, we tend to  fall deep into our feelings and question not only the matter(s) at hand, but also the people in our lives. We're asking the universe, asking God, asking ourselves who will be there for us while we're going through the motions. Oftentimes, this question is left unanswered until months later after the storm has cleared when we realize "this one" and "that one" held our hands through the tough times. And there's also that moment when the realization of those whom were nowhere to be found.

Presently, I'm going through the motions of dealing with the passing of my Mother. She passed on almost 6 months ago. The hardest part of this situation has been the fact that not only did I not get to physically see her, but the fact that I didn't get an actual chance to say goodbye or tell her how much I truly love her...it tears me up inside on a daily basis. Takes me back to that moment when Wil died and I beat myself up for not telling him that I still loved hi very much. You don't have to be with someone to love them, and I wanted him to know that just because we broke up didn't mean that my love for him had changed. I'm grateful for the experiences that followed that, helping me learn the importance of being vocal on feelings. I just wished that when my Mother's time came that I had been more ballsy and spoke up. It's a wonderful feeling to know that she's out there protecting me regardless and knows how much I care; however, it was something that I wish I had been able to vocalize. But then the question of, "would that have mattered since she's gone?" comes to play. Is it ever enough? ...I've clearly gone off topic. I guess this is what's really in my heart and on my mind.

Anyways...

What I did happen to learn from that all was who truly cared about me. I may or may not have covered this in a previous post; however, it's quite relevant for me today. I am blessed to have gone through those things (losing loved ones...yes, a blessing in disguise) to have come out on the other end much stronger and wiser. I learned who cared. I learned who to keep close. I learned who to let go of and sever ties with. I learned the importance of trust and loyalty. I also learned my own strength. Nothing can take that away from me.

Today, I've taken that strength and all of that knowledge to open my heart up to a new love. And now my lover is being tested with similar experiences. His Mother is currently on her deathbed as we speak. We are truly witnessing the decline of a woman day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. To call it heartbreaking would be a complete understatement. The outpouring of love, though, is on another level. However, not all "love" is good love. Like I've already said, this is when you learn who you can trust and who is truly there for you. Some people are coming out and showing love and it's all good, but deep down it's quite well known that there was a lack of a connection there while his Mother was up and running. The interesting part of it all is flipping through her notes that she's taken over the last few years. Her true feelings and true thoughts are buried deep in these notebooks where she lets her heart hit the paper through ink and pure emotion. Albeit a rough thing to look through, I'm so sure he's grateful that she left these. It's like everything she wanted to verbalize to him, but the inability to do so in person was jotted down for him to see at a later time. It couldn't have been any better.

Since learning of her status over the last few days, he's been trying to deal with everyone else's emotions as well as his own. At times, he's putting others before his. I told him to let it out and accept the love given to him, also to not put his feelings on the back burner. Now I know I'm probably not the perfect person to listen to, but I do know what I'm talking about with this. I've also told him to pay attention to those giving him affection right now. Look at the faces. Not all of them will be around later on. He's currently falling...but has yet to truly fall. I think with death, you fall and hit the ground once the funeral is over. You realize that this being is no longer physically present. This is the fall. "So who is going to be there to assist in picking me up and getting me back on my feet?" This is what we ask ourselves when this fall happens. I know I asked that question many a times. I am blessed with a few individuals who were there to help me fight through it all. Also, I found an inner strength that I was not even the slightest aware of. The ability to fight my pain seemed unbearable and impossible. As cheesy as it sounds, but music helped me. Listening to others' pain helped me realize that I wasn't alone. So where my loved ones couldn't and when I thought I couldn't, a song would give me the comfort I needed. A song could feed me the words or idea of power and help me smile. A song would help me move. It was therapeutic. I truly hope that where/when I am not able to help him, that maybe music can do the same for him. No matter what though, I will be there for him. He's my everything. Sometimes its hard because he'll say or do things that remind me of the past and situations with Wil or just Wil in general. People can remind you of others, but in a relationship...its fucking weird. That simple...hah. Although it may feel odd at times, its comforting. It helps me realize that I'm not alone. Takes me to a place where I can think, "Dont e´, you're not alone in this...you're not alone." It's a great feeling. And this same feeling is what I hope to have him feel.

"Who's gonna be there, after you fall?
I will."










[This post is truly all over the place. I blame this on pure emotion, that pump of vanilla in my chai, Lil' love asking me about what to toss as she cleaned, and checking my nails every five mins...I truly need a manicure. But also, because I love him and I don't want him in any pain. Thanks.]

#brokenheartshealSTRONGER #conversationsinacafe #conversationswithmyselfinmydiningarea

Clarity.

At what point will there be clarity and the tears, sadness, and loneliness fade away?

Fallen.

How soon is too soon to love someone? Completely fallen, but not IN love. Just love. That cute more simple stage. I feel it. Is it mutual? Maybe not. Actually, I highly doubt it. It's a very new feeling and experience for me.

We'll see what happens from here. I know what I want, but it'll only happen if feelings are mutual.

Indifferent.

The feeling of indifference never sits well with me. It causes an extreme amount of anxiety and I fight it by putting up a front to the world. This front causes me to suppress my true feelings for what ever is causing me to feel off. Right now, it's about someone I care about. Someone who fails to realize the depth of my feelings. Truth be told, I'm not sure if they will ever know, however I pray that one day this person knows.

Had I never been told to change how I really am too appease others, I don't think I'd be in this predicament. I've spent a year working my ass off to get to where I am today. I'd really hate for another person's opinion to tarnish what I've built for myself. And for that opinion to ruin what could be the greatest ending to a hard year. I must clear my life of what once was, and focus of what is and what could be. This is something I've been contemplating for the longest, but procrastination always wins. Well that is no longer. It's not a matter of disrespect, however it's something I owe myself. The results shall be immense, and I know this person (whom I care about) will appreciate it.

*About 2 individuals - read between the lines*

Crush.

The hardest part about telling someone you like them is not the possible rejection, but the lack of reaction/response.

Example:

You: "I like you."
Them: "I appreciate that."

WTF?!

Everything.

I have everything a guy could need: a good job with good pay, my own apartment, food in my fridge, clothes on my back, family (kind of), friends, and so much more. Thankfully I've gotten to a place where I am legitimately happy, however I feel something is missing. Totes not satisfied and crying about it all a la Britney in "Lucky", circa Oops! days.

Not too sure if it's because of Wil's 1 year anniversary quickly approaching (April 12th), but I'm just uber emotional. I'm definitely ready to move on with my life completely. Then all of this emotional mess happens. I was always the boy without a heart...now, I feel. Yay me >insert eye-roll here<. The hard part of all of this is actually falling for someone and having that same someone equally fall for me. I mean, yeah, there's someone on my mind. It's too new and fresh for me to even fathom what will be, but I know what could be.

After much thought I just know that I'm ready to be a boyfriend again. I want those butterflies, and that exciting feeling when I see them calling my phone. That feeling when you're going to be with them that day and you've looked forward to it all week. You know, that feeling when you're walking towards them and you're so excited, yet you tell yourself, "don't smile too hard you crazy bishhh!" That feeling of knowing someone is by your side and has your back no matter what. Someone to grow with and share your world with. Long term. Not a fling. Real shit. You wash the clothes and he helps you fold. That dude who wears a fitted and you take it off his head to take a selfie with it on and Instagram it. Haha. Nah, I want more than Instagram pictures. I want to rock it til waterfalls like Bey. I just want something real and meaningful. It's not something you rush. I'll be patient. Just hope it happens.

Actually, it will.

"I Love Being Single"

Lately, I've come across many people saying that they "love being single." Somehow I find this hard to believe. I feel that anyone that would love being single is either someone who has yet to fall in love or someone who is incapable of maintaining a relationship (IE: cheater, bad communicator, serial dater).

I can't seem to understand why anyone wouldn't want to be in a relationship. There's nothing better than hearing that person's voice before bed and waking up to them. If you're lucky, seeing them before you shut your eyes and seeing them when you open them (or a text in this day and age...lol). Maybe I'm old fashion, but I enjoy cooking for the guy I'm with. Seeing his face when I walk in from work. Watching our favorite tv shows together. Arguing over where to eat that night, because neither one of us wants to compromise. That's what it's all about. Having someone on your side to support you no matter what. That one person you trust with your life and vice versa. We all want that. So why yearn for the single life?! Are you that greedy or is it that you're just selfish? I feel like asking these people that. And as cheesy as it sounds, life is too short not to experience what it's like to fall in love. It's been 2 months since losing him, and even though we broke up months before I still miss being there for him. Anyone at this moment. I love, love!

It's time that every single person gets their minds right and realize that life isn't all about being alone. I understand many don't have their shit together add would rather be by themselves until that happens. I get that. But don't let a good thing pass you by. Sometimes you must take a chance. Don't be afraid to love or maybe be loved.

Him.

After posting the entry prior to this one, I knew I had made a mistake. It was all me; not him. We both did our best to make it work, and he felt like he had taken a lot away from me just by being with him, due to his health. He often said I should maybe be single in order to not have any regrets. My only regret was letting him think he was right. We broke up the day of that post.

On April 12th, he passed away. It happened in front of my eyes in our home. I was actually not supposed to be there. Luckily I was there, because had he been alone I would have hated myself. He complained of back and chest pain after a failed procedure. I questioned why he was even home and why he hadn't gone or been taken to the hospital. He told me he felt okay to be taken home and that he'd be fine. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I obliged. I had just returned from the barber and decided to shower for work. About 2 hours later, I was calling 911 for help. Unfortunately, I knew it was too late. Although they tried to revive him both at our home and the hospital, something in me said it really happened. I didn't want to believe it... but who would?!! I ended up losing a lot that day. My love, my partner, my best friend, my security, my everything. He was...is my everything. Gone.

The hardest part about all of this...I know he knew I loved and cared for him, however I have a very funny way of showing it. My mother was always so weird with those close to her. She was hardest on the people she loved most. Unfortunately for her children, we adopted that ugly trait. And I feel although he knew he was everything to me, I feel I may not have shown it enough. That hurts my heart tremendously. I can't even think of the right words to explain it, but you catch my drift. It feels like a part of me is missing. A part of me died that day. This man taught me a lot, and now I don't have him here to share my life with me.

After his passing everything went downhill for the next 3 weeks. From his wake/funeral where I felt like the worst kept secret, to having to give up my place and find a home for our cat, to being back at work and feeling put down...it was rough. Now, about 6 weeks later, I'm feeling more like myself. However I put on a face in order to hide my feelings. I'd rather everyone think I'm okay instead of sad. Some care, but most don't. The hardest times are when I'm alone and there's no one laying next to me. Yes, even as exes we shared our bed and cuddled at times. And now I have no one to cook for or harass in the mornings. So much to adjust to.

I know with time it'll all get easier. And I know with my faith I'll see him again. It's just so hard right now, but I'm doing my best to be strong.

I'm sorry if this post seems scattered and a bit too personal. I figured maybe this would help me get my thoughts out of my head and maybe somewhere to help someone else. I know he's in a better place and not in any pain nor is he suffering. Just really tough not having him around. I appreciate all of the support I've received from family and friends, but nothing can help fill the void in my heart. Maybe time will.

I love you, Wil. I miss you.♡

Visitor's Pass

Yesterday, I went to visit Wil in the hospital. Unfortunately, he is having some sort of liver problem. His enzyme levels are high and it was realized about year while he was getting his appendix removed, but nothing was done. The doctors said that something should have been done then, but because the focus was on his the removal of his appendix it became secondary. And although his liver enzyme levels were high, they were still somewhat "ok". Whatever that means. *shrugs* All in all, he's doing ok. He looked all crazy; covered in facial hair, but still had enough energy to tell a nurse off. And I quote, "If you don't like your job, then don't do it. Don't make my life or any other patient's life miserable because you hate your job." That's Wil.

I did blog all of this yesterday from the hospital, but the laptop I was on wanted to act up once I finished. I'm hoping that he comes home VERY soon, and I heard his parents may be coming from PR to make sure he is okay. So you know what that means: family drama for him, and good ass Puerto Rican home cooking from a chef for me! God is good. :-) Take care everyone; off to work.