On my mind.

In 2013, I experienced the worst possible pain ever -- losing someone you love. Just last year, that pain resurfaced with the loss of my Mother. Today's pain is less of a depression and more or a disappointment. The loss of close friendships. Many my life might question my actions, as I've been quite distant with some and quiet. My actions are only brought on by those of others I've considered to be close friends/loved ones. Even those I've labeled as "best" and "loved" have made me re-evaluate where we all stand.

When I moved away from New Jersey to Nashville, it wasn't only because of a relationship. I moved away for change, and for new surroundings, and to make new friends and to have a difference in my life. Prior to relocating, I spent 2 years working my ass off living check to check and not having any time to myself. The little time carved out was spent in between the walls of my apartment. That apartment was my sanctuary. I grew a love for that place...a love like no other. It protected me from the world. I loved it. I invited friends over, and some came, while others complained. It's rough having something you care about so much, and you try your best to share it with the world; yet all people can do is complain and/or not support you. This same predicament is mirroring at present time.

I've never been the friend to keep away from others, but I've learned over the course of the last 12 months that some people aren't forever. There have been guys that I've dated in the past and may have had some sort of sexual history with that had ended way back when...I'd befriend them. Gone. That was a choice I made based off of maturity and realizing that things in my life have CLEARLY changed. My views are way different. I can no longer converse about this dick and that dick. I don't care who's sucking on your balls. I mean...really. And I don't care who you hooked up with. We all have THAT friend, but I had one toooooo many of those friends. I have acquaintances up the ass that would randomly hit me up, and I'm sure at one point in time I was that acquaintance. I no longer converse with many of those. And then there's the "bests"... like the one I would hold inappropriate conversations with. Using inappropriate doesn't mean every conversation was of that nature, but WE made it allowed which cost us both lots of respect from others and each other. I love that kid dearly, but I can no longer subject myself to conversations about sex, my past/history, or anything like that. And its not fair for him to do that for himself. Then there's the other "best" whom could truly care less about my happiness. We all are to worry about ourselves, but when we share our lives with other's it becomes less about ME and more about WE. I am a WE now. Still a ME...but a WE. If someone is calling himself/herself a friend of mine, I would hope to have the support and understanding that one gives to their friends. I have done my best to support and give advice even when I felt it wouldn't be heard and/or cared for. But that's what friends do. I do my best to support one's beliefs; however, it doesn't make ANY sense to me that someone cannot support gay union/marriage/relationships, but can take part in all things gay: I.E. clubs, bars, lounges, parties, photo ops, dinners, etc. There is a clear "gay-appropriation" until shit gets real, and it's downright wrong and comes off as fake. And to this person...I love you so fucking much and would never want you to hurt. But I'm hurt by the lack of support and understanding of my happiness. And I will NOT stop living my life for you or anyone else. As I would never expect or want that of you.

It's been a long time coming for this to be let out. I often think about it...daily actually. But one thing I can say is that I am truly thankful for my life, the opportunities, the travel, and all the things that God has blessed me with. I remember sitting in the mall depressed about what would happen next. The second I got the message from the Lord that all things will be okay and that my angel would guide me to greatness...I ran with it. It has gotten me to such an amazing place. I have a man whom I love more than he'll ever know. There's no other man out there for me. He's just too great. He gets me and appreciates me, protects me, respects me, and loves me. You can't trade that for anything. And now I'll have a step-daughter who oddly enough slightly resembles me. Weird. But I am so blessed, and so grateful for my life -- just wish others whom I have care so much for would join in on my journey. It just goes to show that it's so very true that some people aren't supposed to stay on the journey of life with you. Some are just for the time being. Kind of like money. The same people who get you to $1million are not the same ones who will get you to $5million or $10million.

I'm Not Your Boyfriend.

I'm not you're fucking boyfriend. 

I love you dearly...like a sister, but I'm NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!

I would love to talk to you as a friend, reach out to you in times of need and times when I just want to talk; the feeling of you judging me is what stops me. Yes, I feel like you would judge me. Because of my sexual orientation, I feel I am limited to what I can say to you in fear you feeling discomfort and then judging. I can handle a lot, but not being judged by loved ones. And I know I'm not one to talk, but when I say things to you, I feel it's to benefit you or what I'd do in whatever situation that you may be going through.

The other day when you said my memory was "foggy" from saying you don't ask about me...bullshit. You don't ask about me. Your calls start out with you guilting me for not reaching out to you. Next, I apologize for something I'm not sorry for. Then you proceed to complain or talk about your life. MAYBE twice you have asked about me. You normally finish and ask about Him. Then ask what we're up to you and yadda yadda yadda. That's not asking about me. What if I'm secretly miserable and I'm just waiting for my best friend to be my best FRIEND and ask how I'M DOING?!! 

As far as marriage goes, you were right in saying that your beliefs should not have any bearing on my perception of you as my friend. I feel because I cannot talk to you freely as I can with others, it puts me in this awkward position. Oftentimes I'm left thinking, "okay...can I or can I not say this to or around her...don't want to upset her." That may be on me, but it's uncomfortable. I don't want these limits. And NEVER HAVE I EVER said that you talking about "personal" (you know what I'm referring to) things was an issue. I'm just afraid to listen at times because I may not agree with you. You're a firecracker when you're heated. If you are not agreed with, I'm honestly terrified of being on the receiving end. 

My last thing is that I want to experience life with you, but I also want to live my own...as I have tried these last almost 3 years. Just as I got over one thing, it happened again. I thank you and others for being there with me and for me to get me through it. But I'm not your boyfriend. I can't be that guy for you. I can support you how you have supported me, but you can talk to me the way you do sometimes and make me feel guilty for shit. Your sister often refers to us as "Will & Grace"...even Will had to let Grace know what it was. 

I love you so much, and that'll never change. And even though you'll probably never read this...it had to get off of my chest. Just wish I was ballsy enough to send it to you.