I haven't had a full weekend off in a while now. Didn't even think I'd know what to do with myself for two whole days. Well, I managed to relax and cook up a few things with my downtime, and have my bestest come hang. The best part was realizing how great everything can be when you just stop stressing the meaningless, and control the controllables.
For weeks now, I've put my mind, heart, body, and soul through torture. I let someone manipulate me (whether they admit it or not) to the point where I believed I was at fault for things that had nothing to do with my life. It's sad when someone is so unhappy with their life that they must be in continuous search of the next best thing. This constant search for greatness doesn't end until they've gotten what they want out of the experience. They soon lose interest and move on to the next person hoping to get what they couldn't receive from the previous one. It's a way to have some sort of sick self validation. When a person dislikes himself, and uses others to make him feel great or superior...something to that effect. It's a form of greed with a touch of envy. And with time (and hopefully much praying) they can learn to love themselves.
It's easy to just point fingers in this situation. However, I did play a part in the matter. I'm wrong for trusting too soon...if you can even be wrong for that, and for counting my eggs before they hatch. I really did feel everything was fine until lies began to unfold and the truth surfaced. All stupid and petty lies at that. Lying about whereabouts, friends, time, money; all petty. What's mind boggling is that I never asked for any of that. I'm good for trusting and not worrying about what someone is up to or asking what's up to check in. And it can sometimes read as, "he could give a shit." It's a flaw, but whatever. I've learned for the future to give things more time before declaring a person as anyone of significance. BUT I'm not sorry or upset for opening my heart up. That's what you're supposed to do when getting to know a person you're interested in or trying to develop anything serious with. By not doing so, you aren't being yourself in a way. And I will never deprive myself of an experience when I'm into someone.
If I could turn back the hands of time, the only thing I'd change on my end is giving in too soon. I cannot control what someone else does. None of us are powerful enough to do that. But to end this, I have a message for this person. I know he will never read this, but here it goes:
I wish you well in the future. I pray you find love, peace, happiness, and the stability you need. The love in question must come from your own heart first, and be for yourself. You're an amazing person and whether you meant to hurt me or not, you did. Time heals all wounds, and I'm hoping it'll make you aware of how stupid and unnecessary your choices were. You had it real good with me because I loved you. I would've done anything for you. I feel that's something you never understood, and probably never will. You didn't/don't realize how your lies set me back both personally and financially. Now I'm without and in a struggle to the point where I could lose everything all because of your lies. Storytelling is great for children craving a good read, but when you fabricate these elaborate tales just to keep a person at ease...not cool. Especially when all of their trust is in you. I relied on your assistance... the assistance you offered, only to be slapped in the face and a dagger to my heart. With all of that, you could call me tomorrow and ask for my help and you'd have it. Call me crazy; call me stupid. You can say what you want. I can't seem to watch someone I care about fall. But I pray with time you realize the part you played and understand where my heart was. Just don't play with anyone's heart again. I do believe in karma, and would NEVER wish any ill on anyone. But it's inevitable. Don't do it again. Crowns are only given to those who stand strong and assist in bringing greatness to others. Knocking others down in a desperate attempt to appear superior to a sea of counterfeits is for punks. Again, I wish you well. You're better than what you think. I know this.