I love him, but I can't do it anymore.
I am about to be as real and as honest as possible. I may soon regret this, but I'll feel a little bit better once its out there. Maybe someone else is going through this as well.
I've been with him for 5+ years now. I was 21 at the time, and now I am about to be 27 in 3 weeks. I love him with all of my heart and have gone above and beyond to make sure he's ok and our relationship is good. However, in doing so I've managed to lose myself so far to the point where I've lost lots of control of my life. Normally, I'm the most independent person with all the right things to say. Yes, a bit emotionally detached at times, but I show it when necessary. Lately I've been super depressed to the point where I'd rather be alone at home or at work busy with a task to keep my mind off of my personal issues. And where I'd usually go about my business, I tend to rethink everything beforehand to make sure I won't upset him. This is even when its nothing serious at all.
Unfortunately for this dude; he has a lot of health issues. None of which he can control with the exception of his diabetes and blood pressure (the rest will remain private...surgery was involved though). He's constantly taking meds and due to all of that mixed together he can no longer work. The stress of our financial situation has caused us to go at it so much. We've exhausted our resources, and contrary to what many believe, in this country...they do NOT want to help a single gay male with a damn thing. Period. He's tried everything and then some. Nothing. I've overworked myself to try and make ends meet and its not happening. We can't seem to get out of this rut. His health isn't getting any better. He is constantly in and out of the hopsital. Many say I'm too nonchalant about it. At this point...when someone has had at least 8 hospital stays in one year...by the 9th one you're like, "yeah, He's in there...so let's get some wine!" OKAY! Maybe not THAT nonchalant...but you catch my drift. Also, add in the lack of intimacy, a few living issues, personal family issues on both ends, and you have a big ol' mess.
I love this dude, I swear I do. Just clueless as to what else to do. I've always told him that his life was perfect prior to me entering it. I may not have brought "bad luck", but I feel like I've brought some sort of negative energy.
Time will tell. A talk shall follow.
1 comment:
Sweety no love is complete without an uphill war at times. This is no different than a person going through cancer with their mate for years and watching them slowly die over a period of months and or days. You have got to be a rock. Shit is expensive, tiring, ugly, and downright unfair, but rome was not built in a day as the cliche says. You have been in this thing 5+ years. You were not meant to break then and you will not now. You can not claim success without noting the many times you were on the brink of failure and did fail at times.
It may seem as if there is not light at the end of that tunnel, but if you can remember just for a few moments, what made that man so special to you before, you can get through this. I know you can. Yes people will not understand your attitude towards some things, but when you are tired and confused, a lot of things get the OH WELL sort of sigh. You can do this, but u have got to remember why you are doing it and why you think he is worth it. If you leave him now, the damage would probably not be able to be repaired. He needs you more than ever....as many lovers say, ITS US AGAINST THE WORLD!
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