Sunday, May 27, 2012

New Day; Old Issues

I don't enjoy talking about my relationship a lot. I don't Tweet about it, I don't Facebook about it, I don't post pictures of my boyfriend and I for the world to see. Yet he and I are together every single day. No typo or stutter. Everyday. EVERYDAY. Get it? Got it? Good.

Because I know a lot of my friends don't even know this blog exists, and my boyfriend doesn't read it; I use it as a journal at times. The few people that read it are those who follow the blog. Th eones that actually decide to click on the post on their Blogger feed of current posts. Haha.

Here's the sitch:

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and almost 7 months (as of June). In these 4+ years we've experienced a hell of a lot, half of which I will not get into. We've gone through things that most married couples have never gone through and probably never will. Fact of the matter is we've done our damn best to try and make it work. I went into this relationship knowing that I was getting with an opinionated professional, who suffered from occasional migraines, loved sex, and worked his ass off. And he knew he was getting with an emotionally detached, heartless mixed guy, that would always do whatever he wanted to do regardless of what anyone said or was feeling.

Today our relationship has flip-flopped. He has many health issues (diabetes, bad liver, high blood pressure, recent back surgery, and gall bladder removed to name a few), isn't able to work (at the moment), and it has affected our relationship negatively. I've done everything in my power to be there for him, but at times it feels like its never enough. Being there for someone experiencing many body insecurities is so hard. It's a lot of trouble trying to convince someone that you are still attracted to them. It has left me asking myself at times, "Is this what this is going to be like from now on? And is this what I want?" In every aspect, I've tried to help and be there. When he's in the hospital I'm there, searching for doctors, helping him with his meds; the list goes on. With myself though, I've become the one craving sex and whatnot. But with his pain and many health issues, there has been a lack of intimacy. Lack of intimacy in a relationship with one of the 2 people feeling insecure about their body (he's gained a lot due to meds, and has a few noticeable changes...you get it) is HARD!!!

Lately, we've gotten into it about so many stupid little things. Just today it was about him feeling like he's pushing me away or I'm just slipping away. This isn't so true...yet not false. He turns away from me at times when I talk to him about sex. I've come to understand why, so I've left that alone. He still insists I am slipping away from him. Stating that I don't talk to him as much which isn't true. I see You everyday. How am I NOT talking to you?! Like for real. But I'm noticing his insecurities push me away. I say I'm okay with his looks, while he says otherwise. I say I love him, I feel he questions that and thinks I'm looking at the guy walking down the street instead. I go to the hospital to visit him and he makes jokes that I'm going home to look for a Boo online...yeeeeaaahhhh *side eye*. Its too much to deal with at times. What may be making me slip away in all honesty is that I'm not too thrilled with MY current situation. That being where Donte stands in his life. I'm not where I want to be professionally, and I feel its messing with everything going on in my life. I feel once I fix that I'll be back on track. Even when I talk to him about this I feel that its not enough. Its as if I'm lying to his face whenever I tell him the truth. Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other in a way. He can't soak anything up and let it marinate and process it. What is said is taken in...processed for a few seconds and by the time the conversation is done, its all out of the window. Whatever was said is the past and may come up again in the future.

Things we've gone through early on in the relationship like unnecessary jokes, insecurities, and bits of jealousy are coming up once again. I don't know how to deal, and its a bit annoying. I can't deal with stress, and talking to friends makes it all worse. Many of them have never (probably won't ever) had a relationship that was/is real. Like REAL. More that a few months kind of REAL. So the advice that I would need wouldn't come from a great place in my opinion. Love them, but I am just being honest. At the end of the day I process my own shit in my head and pray that it all works out in the end. I'm just hoping that this all ends in a good way. I'm sure it will, but its too much to deal with in this moment.

1 comment:

Kandake CimCiptivan said...

"...In sickness and in health..." It can is a very trying time for you right now, but this is the test. No one ever said there were any clear answers and this is the key to surviving. Rolling with the punches. You may be feeling down,but you are not out. When your body is breaking down, it can be the most horrid ordeal ever. It's hard on you, your family and your friends. It is so hard to try and stay positive and when the body doesn't work, the mind does not either. They are one and operate as one. I hope his ordeal has inspired you to really take a look at your own diet and fitness and really take it very serious. It is as important as paying the rent so you will have somewhere to stay and the lights to have a way to see and perform your daily duties.

I want you to write down a list of pros and cons of your life right now and at the end, pick through the good and bad and especially with the bad, write out why you really think its that bad. After that turn it over and come back 30 minutes later. When you do, look at what you wrote and you see after seeing it in black and white if it makes as much sense as your emotions make you feel it is. If the good outweighs the bad or if you feel you have more than enough punches to roll at the bad, then tear up that sheet of paper and the negative feelings with it.

You have come so far and I damn sure know you are not meant to break and YOU WILL NOT! If this man is your life partner, you have another 50-60 years to go through things. If you can imagine that long ahead just the possibilities of anything that could come your way, then you know that getting through this is that test of your real might! If you can make it through this, your future looks bright. Yes you are only human, but in times of incredible strife and pain, we can be SUPER HUMAN. It's not always clear how we do it, but it's damn sure why, BECAUSE WE KNOW OUR LOVE IS WORTH BEING SAVED!